Though of course, deeply painful to those going through it, divorce is a courageous act and it’s motivated, or at least sustained, by optimism. It’s the desire to live a better life, to be less angry, less alone, more impassioned, more alive; and it’s the belief that one’s inner resources can get them there. And so, divorced families can be very much intact in the sense that members feel, or are on their way to feeling, resolved, free, whole.
I take as a premise that the court system should be a last resort to resolve family matters because it is so damaging to family relationships that persist long after the divorce. The ‘scorched earth’ adversity of traditional divorce and custody litigation freezes families in a state of “hate”, while attempting, ironically, to adhere to a rational and objective application of the law. (Clare Huntington, “Repairing Family Law”, Duke Law Journal, 2008).
Mediation on the other hand, provides the opportunity to bring in the full emotional complexity of intimate relationships and to end with an opening for healing. Mediation merges a human process with a legal process.
My role is to help clients express and understand theirs and the other’s motivations and to productively channel those feelings towards mutual decisions on custody, marital property, maintenance, and support. Intuitively, as an attorney, I have faith in the durability of an agreement when I know it takes account of all of the parties’ complexities — including emotional complexity.